suicide.

the first time in many months (maybe years) since i've felt suicidal.

currently, i plan to go out in hysteria.

1. take as many butalbital as i can swallow (prescribed for my migraines)

2. drink as much cough syrup as i can (because it explicitly says on the prescription to NOT take with alcohol, and cough syrup contains alcohol; and because it contains acetaminophen which causes liver damage with overdose)

3. because i can tie a sliding knot, i will then construct a noose with electrical cords and cables (because traditional rope is not readily available and electrical cables are conveniently symbolic---its leash-like in construct, it's suggestive of the suffocation i feel from not being able to exercise my free will, the manmade materials reflect the inorganic nature life has become due to socio-economical and cultural construct and the weight of the responsibility/expectations i bear because of them, it's ironically the impersonal means of communication i prefer to communicate personal things with to other human beings..)

4. i will soon write a semblance to a goodbye note except i've grown very tired--must be a synergistic effect or simple fatigue..

5. execution of the task (get it? :)) will be postponed or rescheduled depending on how i feel later on..