Today was not a good day:

I feel hopeless and defeated. There's really nothing I can think of to name as the root cause of these feelings.
Perhaps it is just many, many little things that add up and snowball into a big ball of devastation.

A LIST OF WHAT'S BEEN ON MY MIND TODAY:

1. kris doesn't text me back
2. he doesn't answer my calls
3. he doesn't care about me
4. i'm going to be alone because he won't want to try again
5. he's a terrible person but i want him anyway
6. i'm hopeless and i won't find anyone because nobody wants me; i'll die alone.
7. i won't have the family and house and dog and everything that i dreamed about for myself because i am in the way of getting it--or maybe God just doesn't want that for my life
8. i don't know why i keep myself so distant from people--this is why i can't make friends
9. i didn't do well on my torso practical exam
10. i missed 1 on my heart anatomy quiz
11. i have so much math homework due on monday
12. i have another written exam to study for in anatomy on tuesday
13. i don't know if i'm going to call the PA offices tmrrw--i'm just scared that PA is not for me, they eveyone will say no, that my parents will never accept that i want to do this (or else they would stop trying to push me (especially my dad) into applying for medical school and use words like, "when you're in medical school" --- WHEN, instead of IF)
14. i can't get a job with the degree that i have--i spent 4 years studying something that wouldn't help me
15. i spent 5 years loving someone who would never be there for me
16. i'm lost in my faith and always readily fall to temptation--the spirit is willing but the body is weak
17. i'm trying to get right with God but i always mess up 
18. i'm worried about money--my student loans, my future tuition for graduate school, my credit card payments, the money kris owes me, the money i owe my parents (my mom)--i feel like i'm getting buried in debt and no one will help me because i can't even help myself
19. i'm scared that i'll always feel like i'm unraveling and i'll never grow up
20. no one is going to go to my 23rd birthday celebration because i don't have friends to celebrate with; i mean, who's with me now consoling me or reassuring me in my hour of need? exactly. no one is
21. i have so many trials and i'm too weak to let others see my weakness; i'm so weak that all i can do is blog about it--pathetic.
22. i've been an adult for almost 5 years but i'm still treated like a child and i know nothing about the real world
23. i wish you showed me a little compassion.