what creeps do at night

there are only a few things that i know. and still, the word of God tells me, "lean not on your own understanding." how can it be that it's taking me so so long to learn this lesson? God definitely wants to reinforce this fundamental lesson in my life. 

who is this God who loves me enough to let me sit in my pain and ponder among the broken pieces of my heart. how plentiful are the tears, how vast are the thoughts that scatter the field of my mind. the analysis of moments of comprehension just make me lose my head. 

i hope i'm not the one who walks out looking dumb. i seriously feel like the outcast alien. for many many years since i could remember. since i came to this country and started my life s an immigrant, i've never felt like i've really belonged in this society. awkward's all i'll ever be. 

sidenote: i know i'm not ready for anything new. i am so overwhelmed my the visual stimuli that is _ _ _ _ _  _ _ _ _ _ _'s being, haha jk. i am a shy introvert and i can't muster up the tiniest ounce of self-confidence to even say 2 words to him. i can't talk to him without looking like an idiot. i say too much. or rather, i talk too much and say very little. if it's meant to be it'll happen. whatever it is.