question:

if i'm still hurting, does that mean i didn't forgive you?

my Bible (NLT) defines Forgiveness as: to pardon or acquit of sins; acquittal; new lease on life

acquit = free (someone) from a criminal charge; "a new lease on life"meaning: If someone has a new lease on life, they have a new enthusiasm for living. 

if i still feel pain, then i that means i still attribute you as the cause of that pain and i therefore did not forgive you because i still hold you accountable for what i am still feeling. Mark 11:25 says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins," such that i, too, may be right with God. how agonizing it is to hold on to pain. but how do i let go? do i NOT know how to forgive? i defer to the reasoning that because i loved him so deeply and in the end he just leaves, i stand accusing him of mistreatment. of course i know that God loves him also and He continues to work with and in him, sanctifying him, but why do i keep my standards and put them higher than God's? how proud and arrogant is my naive and pompous mind? God humble me and teach me forgiveness—i'm lost and confused, tired and hungry and for answers because my mind is exhausted and my heart is constantly pondering the minute details of the past and yes, i know it's all history.

my sister said, "you can't do it. so ask for help. it's all about asking God to provide for you. you do it by turning your focus on God and His abilities and not your lack of thereof."

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7

she encouraged me to look to Him to be able to do this. ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST MY STRENGTH (phil 4:13).

wahhh:
side note: come midnight tonight, it will have been 6th birthday with you. remember when it was my birthday we celebrated it like it was yours, and vice versa? this is lame. this sucks. this hurts. this is reality.