the man God made for me is out there, and i can hardly wait to meet him

wrote this in a span of 2 days: i think i started this Saturday, but i finished it yesterday on the way to Barstow while the sun was still out

CHD: hi love! can i be [any] more invisible? this is so difficult to adore you and get barely anything back. please just tell me already that you're not interested. i decided to just take a break from you—no more AIM, no Facebook. i'm gonna let this thing breathe. a long time ago, i made a list to God which contained the traits and characteristics of the man i want to marry. you fit so well. i made the list in 2011. i've been interested in you since february of last year. btw.. it's now january 2013. but robert happened and you had that thing w/ jamie. i'm convinced you still like her and i know i'm still not over kris and what we had. currently i told you something, hoped [with] everything, but instead got nothing. what am i supposed to do with the [giddiness], butterflies, bubbles, smiles and giggles? i'm in for a hard week this week i will not avoid you, but i am taking steps toward accepting you are not the amazing man God meant for me (which seriously hurts). do you know how much i miss you right now? :/ i sigh. i sigh so loud and so often. i don't say 'goodbye' to you or our strange and young friendship, i bid my hope for a courtship with you adieu. my smiles for you will look a little bit different.. at least for a while. my sad eyes will learn to smile again [though] and [i'll be] free to fall [in like] again. [for now] still in like, joyce de magno

if i could bring myself to tell you 3 words, they would be:

1. I
2. miss
3. you

but the only 1 word i can muster is:

1. hi

-___-

\\2012-inspired HeartbreakRant'13:

I dare you to let yourself fall in love with someone like me. I'll watch you regret it and see you turn bitter and finally turn away and never look back.

#next where's my husband already?!!!

i'm selfish and such an ugly person. sheesh..

to an IM you sent me reading, "yo yo," i respond with: "hi imy and i can't talk to you because i'm trying to not say dumb stuff i'll read later and think to myself, "wth was i thinking?" it's called: Plan A: Self-Preservation" (i WOULD respond with this, IF i were talking to you right now :/)

i'm praying about what to do with you because i really like you, but i feel like there's nothing there for me and i should stop being weird. okay, jaimee just called you my "third bridesmaid" hahahhaha she says, "like at your wedding, he'll be the one helping you" 

okay, we'll be just friends. but that doesn't mean i'm not sad about it now.

\\update: 01/09/13, 10:40pm; okay, so.. i had the feeling i get when i'm heartbroken over a guy--it's as if my heart is suspended by a thread and is slowly being dipped into molten wax. it's an agonizing, slow and painful process. after it's done, the wax is hardened. my heart appears plastic. and is ready to be set ablaze shining as a beacon to love fools, warning them: DO NOT FALL IN LIKE/LOVE because it hurts if you do it wrong. :/ then i have to remember 1 john 4:10. this is real love: not that we love God but that He loves us and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins ♡