snoopin'

looking through your old Facebook posts makes me feel like just a number.
a very special number.
but a number none-the-less.

you have this unique and charming way of making people feel special.
so i'm sure i feel as equally cherished as the "numbers" before me, as few or many as there may be.

you insist on deleting those posts, especially the pictures. but i urge you not to because it's part of your past.
Bella and Elijah (or whatever we'll name them/him/her) will have the opportunity to go through our young adulthoods and look through our posts and pictures and ask us, "Who's that?" or "Why...?". I fear for the worst because our kids are gonna be super smart and inquisitive.

06/27/13 additions:

I don't like the idea of being no one's first and your sloppy seconds. Seriously, where do I find these "gems" that attract me? First, a dud who didn't even graduate high school and was a crazed fanatic for fame and fortune through charismatic leadership and multilevel marketing. Second, a selfish and driven but book-smart yet dumb individual who spoke endlessly of nothing of import—a mere mirroring puppet and chameleon. Third, my abused and neglected manwhore, easily swayed through his childish and imaginative and hopeful thinking—he is riddled with unrealistic expectations and simple aspirations. 

I am young and naive, desperate for anything that looks like my dream of being a wife and mother. I never wait for the good God has for me, but instead try to pursue it and fulfill what I want on my own terms. I am a disaster and I am falling and failing, exhausted from my futile attempts at self-fulfillment.

I am an empty vessel. Make something of this hurt and broken nothing. Breathe Your hope into these tired lungs that it may fill the heart that has given up.