I'm going in. I'm doing this. But I feel like I've already lost. As if I'm fighting a losing battle. God help me get through this and refocus my desires and energy. I feel like quitting and giving up--stop pursuing a career as a PA and break up with Paul.
Please rebuild something from these ashes. Please restore hope in me and help me see life with new eyes. I need renewal. I need revival. I need You.
With all the love and sincerity I can muster, I humbly ask this in Jesus' mighty name. Amen.
05/13/13
I miss my baby!! On the real, I could cry... I've been thinking about him all day and I just want to text him find out how he's doing. I just want to tell him I miss him and that I've been thinking about him.
I'm scared that after this fast from him, his feelings will change and he won't want me anymore. And I'm NOT okay with that. I don't want to lose him. He is the beautiful new addition to my life that has changed me and I cannot (and will not) imagine life without him.
God let me know that I AM to continue in this courtship and that He would equip and prepare me for it. I love Paul--but I love God FIRST and I need to keep it that way. It's not going to be easy, but I need to follow.
On the flip side, I gained a renewed appreciation of God's character and was encouraged to let go and allow Him to be in control of more of my life. I've considered myself as a guarded person, but when I read the story about the stallion who was so in sync with its rider—oh, the wonderful things they could do together because he trusted fully in his rider—but this horse, was abused and overcame these barriers of apprehension and distrust and allowed himself to trust his rider. There was such connection and intimacy in their relationship AFTER the trust that it amazed me what could be possible when I fully trusted in God.
Dear God, I miss my baby.
Dear God, grow me into satisfaction and contentment with you.
Dear God, if I can grow in You and have Paul, that would be awesome.
Dear God, please let him be okay. Be with him, guiding and directing his life. I just want him to be happy and to worship You in spirit and in truth. Pour love into his day and draw near to him. You are enough, Father. In Jesus' mighty name I ask these things, AMEN.
05/15/13:
Today's GOD TRUTH:
I can share that Paul was handcrafted, molded and shaped to be my husband, I just know it!
today was not a good day of doing a feast—i still haven't finished reading!! alarm never went off this morning because my phone died. my lunch was busy and i was worried about calling/discussing my application w/ the admissions counselor at western. i guess i'm nervous—i don't want to talk about my failure.. i didn't get in.
anyway, what stood out to me from today's reading was one line from the opening prayer:
"We can't get lost in His strength when we're relying on our own." -DG Be still. Rest. Rest in His hands. "Be still and know that I am God." —Psalm 46:10
Today, I acknowledge and release my problems and weaknesses to the Lord and surrender to His movement.
05/18/13:
reality hits with the cold realization that i tend to idolize my relationships. and the worship of the relationship is offered through lust. and it is painful to know that i have not fulfilled matthew 22:37, "you shall love the lord our god with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."
I've been holding this text back:
God let me know that I AM to continue in this courtship and that He would equip and prepare me for it. I love Paul--but I love God FIRST and I need to keep it that way. It's not going to be easy, but I need to follow.
On the flip side, I gained a renewed appreciation of God's character and was encouraged to let go and allow Him to be in control of more of my life. I've considered myself as a guarded person, but when I read the story about the stallion who was so in sync with its rider—oh, the wonderful things they could do together because he trusted fully in his rider—but this horse, was abused and overcame these barriers of apprehension and distrust and allowed himself to trust his rider. There was such connection and intimacy in their relationship AFTER the trust that it amazed me what could be possible when I fully trusted in God.
“He just needed to figure out that he could trust me” —Excerpt From: Gresh, Dannah. “Get Lost.” WaterBrook Press, 2013-04-02. iBooks. This material may be protectsed by copyright. Check out this book on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id=588212878Dear Paul, I miss you A LOT.
Dear God, I miss my baby.
Dear God, grow me into satisfaction and contentment with you.
Dear God, if I can grow in You and have Paul, that would be awesome.
Dear God, please let him be okay. Be with him, guiding and directing his life. I just want him to be happy and to worship You in spirit and in truth. Pour love into his day and draw near to him. You are enough, Father. In Jesus' mighty name I ask these things, AMEN.
05/14/13:
I missed him so much I texted him. The few replies I get back mean the world to me.
Today, I gained further appreciation and encouragement on pressing on toward the goal and not looking back. My past doesn't matter because my sin is covered by the blood of the lamb. I am beautiful and unique created wonderfully by the most high God. I can learn to walk beautifully when I don't stumble on the insecurity of my faults or the distractions of my past. To God be the glory because although He loves me unconditionally and unceasingly, it was neer about me.
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way." —Isaiah 43:18-19
05/15/13:
Today's GOD TRUTH:
"I don't think He's as discouraged by our fumblings as we are. think He's just hoping we'll one day see ourselves the way He sees us." —Dannah GreshYada, a beautiful concept, is God's word for true sex: to know and be known, to be deeply respected. This exclusive intimacy is just so beautiful! One day, I'll experience it and know it with my husband and it'll be how our children are made!! :) I trust in God's plan and God's timing and this is the desire of my heart, if it's in His plan.
I can share that Paul was handcrafted, molded and shaped to be my husband, I just know it!
He is as believer. He's experienced God and His great provision and presence in his life many times since his tough childhood.05/16/13:
He is constantly willing to inconvenience himself for me. I see it in the ways he will tie my shoe, carry my purse, open my door, run to get things in the car for me; Paul is constantly yielding to me.
He will know the Word of God. He's expressed his desire to know God more intimately, digging into His truths and promises. He acknowledged the emptiness he felt in not knowing God and makes his attempts at knowing his Creator.
He will protect my purity. Paul is careful with what he says so it doesn't lead me into passion. He respects me and my body and knows where the line is.
He knows how to work. This is an understatement. He's such a hardworker, diligent and always wanting to do something with his hands to serve. This motivation comes from his good heart and I'm so thankful to the Lord that a man who serves like this loves me.
today was not a good day of doing a feast—i still haven't finished reading!! alarm never went off this morning because my phone died. my lunch was busy and i was worried about calling/discussing my application w/ the admissions counselor at western. i guess i'm nervous—i don't want to talk about my failure.. i didn't get in.
QUIET MY HEART WITH YOUR LOVE.What a wild thought. My heart's worries, desires, longings, passions—the circus in my heart MUST yield to the Love my God pours out upon my life. I am the Lord's anointed and He has found favor with me. I am a daughter of the Most High.
"We can't get lost in His strength when we're relying on our own." -DG Be still. Rest. Rest in His hands. "Be still and know that I am God." —Psalm 46:10
Today, I acknowledge and release my problems and weaknesses to the Lord and surrender to His movement.
05/18/13:
reality hits with the cold realization that i tend to idolize my relationships. and the worship of the relationship is offered through lust. and it is painful to know that i have not fulfilled matthew 22:37, "you shall love the lord our god with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."
05/19/13:
So I feel discontent again. An overwhelming sense of defeat. There is no peace within me. What is it, Lord? Why do I feel such emptiness and apathy? I deactivated my Facebook and my disgusting disappointed feeling has grown doubt in my mind--I want to break up with Paul because I feel like the relationship will be empty, as empty as I feel now. I don't think he's going to step up and I don't think I'm going to grow in this relationship. It so badly needs You to be the center but it's composed of two selfish lovers. Father, I need Your. guidance and great wisdom to discern whether or not to continue in this relationship--will it lead to marriage? Paul is a good guy who just seems misled. He has no male role model in his life, no real father-figure. What kind of dad will he be to his children? He just bought a VAPE--which concerns and disappoints me since he could've spent this money on something else. As of late, in also disappointed in how he spends his time. He COULD be doing something to better himself--education, job experience, pursuing the career he wants instead of settling to be simple. Am I expecting too much of him? Am I in this relationship so I can learn something and grow from it? I don't get it, God--I just want to give up and quit. I am not happy today. Paul is not Kris--he is not my first. I need to be more in tune with You, Father, to know Your will for me because I feel far and detached from you. My relationship with You and striving to make it stronger and more meaningful is laughable--it's pathetic that I neglect to deepen this valuable relationship. I am blind, so help me see. I am empty, so fill me. I am broken, so make me whole again. Do what only You can do. AMEN.
05/20/13:
I'm not willing to give up:
1. My dream of marriage and a family
2. My dream of being a PA
3. Paul John Bunuan Tamayo
To Submit is to Sacrifice:
I've been holding this text back:
"We're breaking up.
We're not good for each other. This relationship isn't good for us. It's over now, Paul. We shouldn't see or talk to each other anymore, or at least for a while. "
I looked into my heart and saw that I wasn't willing to give up my dream of marriage and a family. I'm not willing to give up my relationship with Paul. Does this mean I must give him up? Is this the Abraham and Isaac test again? Last time, you gave me back Kris, but this time will you give Paul back? I see a lesson in surrender and a lesson in trust here. I prayed:
SEARCH ME, O GOD, AND KNOW MY HEART. TEST ME AND KNOW MY ANXIOUS THOUGHTS. SEE IF THERE IS ANY OFFENSIVE WAY IN ME AND LEAD ME IN THE WAY EVERLASTING. PSALM 139:23-24And is this the test? Is this what I have to do? God, give me the wisdom.
Sometimes, God empties our cup so He can fill us back up.
Sometimes, your life falls apart so God's plans can fall together.
